running, etc.

It seems unreal to me that I'm coaching new runners when I just started running myself. It's just what I need, though, as it turns out. I have a stubborn as hell mental block that I can't seem to tear down that tells me I can only go so far before I need to walk. When you are leading a group of people and you've determined how far you're going and how fast, you have to do it. There is no quitting, there is no "sorry, I'm tired." Ego, in this case, is a very good thing. And it is inspiring and awesome to see some of the people who, despite what their minds and bodies are telling them, have the heart and willingness to show up and run at 7 in the morning. Because they want to lose weight or feel good or get healthy. Who knows. But it certainly makes me show up when I don't want to, knowing there are a group of runners counting on me to lead them.

****

A is officially home. I pulled up to the house after work yesterday to find his father's Suburban in my driveway and boxes being hauled into the house. And J looking a little aggravated. This has all happened so quickly. R will be in San Antonio for the foreseeable future, and am dancing with my inner demons who have always wanted him to leave, while feeling tremendous sadness for A who wants his dad more than ever right now.

He walked his dad out and came back inside doing everything he could to hold back tears. He hugged J, hugged me. Then asked if I would please play basketball with him... that he really needed to play basketball.

I must say that I get really, really, REALLY tired of basketball. But this is a kid who's coping skills used to include swinging a baseball at me, punching and kicking walls, swearing, screaming, running away. The fact that now under stress and sadness he wants to play basketball is a miracle and I would've played all night if he needed to.

What hit me last night was that, even though I am ecstatic to have him home, I had just found my groove with him NOT being here, and it will be a rough transition to having the house filled with his not always easy-going energy. Wouldn't trade it for the world. I am convinced he is where he needs to be. (Not that I REALLY know where he's supposed to be or what path he is supposed to be on... or that i get to dictate that in any way.)

I hope that he continues to talk. I hope I continue to listen. He has been so blessed with having both parents - despite our difference and despite what an absolute idiot R is - near by. This will be a completely different experience for both of us. I shudder to think that this is what I always wanted.

I hope to hell that R stays close - calls, finds ways to see him. An odd thing to say since I despise the man. Maybe this is what happens when you mature - when you really allow yourself to fall fully, deeply into the absolutely selfless role of motherhood. I hate R, but I love A even more. And I will do what ever is best for him.